Why Wait To Stop
It’s an overwhelming period for myself and many in my life. It’s been going on for so long with brief breaks scattered here and there that I almost forgot what that peace, that quiet, that calm of the mind felt like.
The last three months have stacked on so many more changes to an already chaotic 20 month period and I’ve been seeing and feeling the toll on my body in the form of sickness every other week.
That being said, old habits of holding it all and pushing through. Accepting all the burden and baring through it. The appearance of managing it all. And the toxic belief that my productivity is tied to my worth has me proud of doing it all with ‘style and grace’.
I’m tired though.
Mentally I’m drained
Emotionally I’m on empty
Physically I’m a mess (health wise)
I’m running on fumes and my body is telling me, and I’m aware but it’s my habit to ‘deal’ with it cause I can.
I was in the midst of dealing with things yesterday, almost ‘finished’ (as if I don’t have more items on my TO DO list) and my youngest decided it was time to ride. I know that sounds fun, I mean I love walks although allergies declare war on my eyes.
“I’m almost done, we’ll go as soon as I finish”.
He proceeds to keep inquiring at 30-second intervals “1 more minute?”
I just want to finish this up, just waiiiittttt, LAWD can you stop asking for a moment, I will tell you when I’m ready! All playing in my head, I mean I have maybe 30 mins to an hour left, is that too much to ask? (It is by the way).
I end up having an F-it moment, and say fine let’s go for an hour I’ll finish when I get back.
The pictures above are from this moment of choosing to prioritize what felt like my kids moment but in actuality it was mine. I had wanted to go out but I thought it made more sense to do it after everything else.
We were out for hours. Talking, moving around, playing. I watched him living, I felt the calmness of nature. I allowed myself to stop thinking about what I needed to do and what emotional burdens I was carrying and just was in that moment. We didn’t look at the time, we just were.
I took pictures cause my gosh he’s grown so much and just lights up the world.
I’m looking at these pictures and thinking of our walk and how much unlearning I still have left to do. He does so easily what I have to fight myself to do. He would hop off his bike in areas without a bench cause he needed a break, and I’m there staring up the path like “I can see the bench, why not stop up there”, but he needed a break now, so he took it.
It comes second-nature to get ish done. I function from a place of working myself to the bone to justify personal time, relaxation. I won’t rest until I reach a benchmark or literally get taken down by sickness.
And although it’s something I’ve recently been discussing with my sister, it’s something we both struggle with. Giving ourselves permission to just be.
I’m nowhere near the level of self-care I want to be at and I can’t lie, as much as I know deep down I deserve it, I still have the automatic reaction to justify those feelings with proof of my work habits. I mean I look at being sick as forced rest. I didn’t get anything done but sleeping while I was sick, so I jump right back into getting ish done before the lingering cough and remnants of mucus have even cleared my lungs.
One day I will get there, we will get there. Until it becomes my default thought I will keep reminding myself and you, that you are deserving of a break without the guilt even in between designated rest times/areas. You deserve calm even without completing your tasks. Your worth is not tied to your productivity. Your well-being is a priority!!
Bless